Are you living the life you imagined?

So I have not updated this blog for pretty much forever and although I've thought about it at times things have been a little crazy and I never got around to it but lately I feel an overwhelming urge to write so thought I'd do it here!
The other day while I was shopping I went into Green Earth at Fairiview and noticed one of those inspirational signs they have that read "Live the life you imagined for yourself". I'm not going to lie, I love those inspirational signs, my house is filled with frames, candle holders, signs, etc that say them. They just remind me to value things that sometimes I forget to appreciate or remind me to act in ways that I should act in but often forget to. This particular sign really hit me and not only made me think but honestly almost made me start to cry. I really sat and thought about if I was living the life I imagined for myself and it makes me really sad to admit that right now I'm not even close.
I guess some things I imagined, I did imagine having children by now and I have one, I imagined havng a degree which I have and a home that I own so I'm on track with all that but sadly I imagined myself a lot more content and overly happy then I am.
I really sat and wondered why I'm not where I thought I would be and the answer was pretty obvious, I lowered my standards and tolerated actions that as a person I swore I would never tolerate. I made other persons a priority when the priority should have been me and/or Ireland and although I'm not to blame for the way things started to go downhill, I am to blame for sitting there and taking it because that sends a clear message to people that their behaviour is okay. All these years I've told friends, family, co workers, etc that people will treat you in the way you allow yourelf to be treated but yet for monthes I've sat here crying and not understanding why I'm in this situation when the real answer is, because I allowed it.
Any one who knows me knows that I really love life. Although different religions and beliefs will vary on what happens when we die, I do believe that we can all probably agree that this will be our only shot being the person we currently are in the family and situaion that we are currently in, this will be our only chance at this particular life. I've really tolerated a lot because at the end of the day I thought it may get me what I wanted in the end but then I realized that even if I some day get what I want with that person it still won't be what I wanted because I will know that for years I was second best, for years I wasn't important anought to cause this person to change there ways and I will always fear that one day they will go back to those ways and I'll be back at sqaure one. I guess in short I've built my life around other persons, I've put all my eggs in one basket. My life would of been lived based on the way that someone else has chosen to live thier life and everything I want from this one life, this one shot that I have would be based on what that person is doing with their one shot. I'ver asked my self if I'm a person that can assosciate with people who lie and are so willing to hurt people they've been connected to for years, can I allow myself to be anything less then a priority with someone who is supposed to lvoe me, can I allow my daughter to have anything less then perfect and stable and safe, can I afford for her to see unhealthy situations that will affect her and mold her life and have lasting consequences, and the answer is no. I can't look back years from now ad know that with my one shot, with the one life I was given I spent it wating on someone else or compromising myself so others could be happy and I don't think anyone should have to do that. If two people ar ein a situation where they both have to compromise what they wat then it doesn't really matter who has better values or moral characters or who is right the point is everyone has a right to live the life they want to live and everyone has a right to not assoscite with someone based on not aggreeing with the way they choose to live.
All in all I'm so glad I walked into that store I'm so glad that it became obvious to me that this is not the way I want to live. As much as I love certain persons as much as I wish things were different , at this moment in time they are exactly what they are and I can't assume they're going to change because assumptions very rarily go as expected. I'm sure the next few monthes will be difficult, their will be a lot of changes, a lot of broken ties a lot of readjustment but in the end I truly believe it willbe best for everyone involved and that we can all start living the lives we imagined.

fingers crossed

Okay so now that the initial stress of finding an agent and looking at mortgage approval and going over specifics is all done , I'm finally starting to enjoy this whole house shopping thing. Greg on the other hand is not much of a fan, haha. I think he wanted us to fall madly in love with the first house we saw so we could just be done, but that didn't happen.

Tomorrow we're looking at a house in Breslau and one in Elmira, I'm personally hoping the one in Elmira is okay and we can put in an offer. I love Elmira, which is funny cause I've always been more big city. Since Greg moved to Elmira and we've been there all the time I developed this strong love of the community and the people, seriously that place is so laid back and calm. I was worried about the fact that it's a smaller town and there isin't much in way of employment and I was also worried that there would be nothing for childrent to do and my daughter would get bored and act out as a result of boredom and next thing you know Greg and I are grandparents at the same time that all of our friends are just starting families, yes I know I'm a worrier. That's not going to happen though (hopefully), because I looked into it and Elmira has a brand new gymnastics club and rec center and Ireland could still stay in her gymnastics and soccer. They also have a pool (thank god) so she can stick with swimming lessons and I can continue to do my lane swimming. The house we're looking at backs right onto the school yard of the school Ireland would go to and is right across the street from the gym!!!! It sounds so perfect, I hope to god we like this house!!!!!

Sick In a good way

Can I just say to anyone and everyone who has ever bought a house and still managed to come out sane and not kill somebody....you are my heroes. I know buying a house is stressful, I mean everyone who has ever bought one (except for those I know who paid cash for one and still had a crazy amount in the bank) has told me at some point how overwhelming it was....I heard you guys but I guess I wasn't really listening, lol. This last couple weeks have been crazy and although Greg and I have not had a fight in like the last two years, I'm expecting that streak will be broken any moment.
Don't get me wrong I am genuinely excited about the fact that we are going to be buying a house and living together and are becoming more of a "traditional family". I am in no way doubtful that all of this stress is going to pay off, however I can not remember a time in my life that I have ever been this terrified. Fine there was that time that I had to go to Gregs and my family and tell them that I was pregnant, not going right to college and possibly making a decision that would guarantee me and greg never becoming anything and living in poverty forever. Now that I remember that time this house buying thing in theory should be a breeze, lol...yet it's not.
Anyone who knows me knows that I have an extreme fear of failure. The fear of failure is probably my biggest fear in buying a house. I am so terrified that we're going to buy a total crap hole that sucks everything we have out of us, or buy a house only for one of us to lose our job or worse go back to fighting as much as we did the first time that we lived together. This has the potential to be one of the best most defining, influential moments of my life...if it works. If this fails then it has the potential to make my daughter miserble, cause me and greg to hate each other, soak up my entire life savings and make me into a miserble , bitter bitch. Lets cross our fingers that this works!

Resolutions

I typically don't make resolutions out loud because frankly more then 70% of the time I don't stick with them. I have a fear of looking like a failure so I don't commit to something and voice it unless I'm pretty positive it's going to pan out for me. It's recently come to my awareness though that some serious changes in my life have to be made so I figured I'd write them out on here and hope to god that when I revisit this in 10 months they've all been achieved.....wish me luck!!!

1) Get my insulin levels, blood pressure and cholesterol levels to where they should be. I was just diagnosed with pre diabetes so this is a major one because if I take initiative and do everything right then in theory it should be reversed.

2) Get my weight to a healthy weight that I'm happy with. This is partly due to the pre diabetes and partly because I'm sick of not being thin and wearing the hordes of beautiful and expensive clothing that I own lol. I've actually already lost a lot of weight but I still need to lose more to be totally in the clear.

3) Do a substantial amount of volunteering with an organization that I feel is important. I've always volunteered a lot but frankly due to being busy it has decreased by a lot so I would like to get back into that.

4) Donate more blood, I keep forgetting to go in and do it and frankly there is no excuse.

5) re write my will and up my life insurance. I keep meaning to do this but frankly I avoid unpleasant and stressful situations and this is one of those.

6) take at least one major trip either as a family or with Greg and (still deciding). I'm hoping on a Disney trip as a family or basically anywhere with Greg.

7) Have some esthetic stuff done to my teeth. I've been an avid pop drinker for years and frankly it's stained my teeth a little I keep meaning to get in and have it done but seem to always put the money somewhere else so this year I will hopefully put it towards the teeth.

8)renew my license and possibly get a car. I haven't renewed my license because it seemed pointless due to not having a car lol but I should get in and do it so I can continue to drive Greg's car. I also should really get a car for convenience although in all honesty I'm not a big fan of cars and the damage they do as well as the overwhelming gas prices but I guess to make it easier on Ireland I should give in and get one.

9) Try and see my dad and sister since it's been a year and a half since I've visited out West or they've been here. I may go out West so I can also see the rest of my family and one of my best friends and her family but if not I will plan a trip to meet up with my dad and sister or one of them. I'm actually debating a vegas trip with my sister and then going back with her for a bit out to BC....we'll see.

10) Get more organized

11) get out of the house with Greg more often. Lately we've really fallen into the trap of just sitting around the house when we spend time together and I think it's important to get out and actually do mutually enjoyed things so I'm working on it.

12)Go out more to bars/clubs, etc. I'm actually not a big drinker BUT I love to dance and socialize. I'm getting to the point where if I don't get on it soon then after another couple years I'll feel like a senior citizen at the bars so I want to get out a bit more now that Ireland is older and not as dependent on Greg and I.

13) Spend more time with family, especially Gregs sister Shari. This is probably a good idea because we used to be very close and through the years have become preoccupied with our own lives and such. I would like to be able to hang out a bit more like we used to and she recently mentioned the same thing so we'll work on it.

Tag

Tag!

I totally stole this from Sarah cause I'm bored and thought this would pass some time.....it worked.

Things you have done during your lifetime:
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
(x) Watched someone die
(x) Been to Canada
( x) Been to Mexico
( x) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawai
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been on a helicopter
(X) Been lost
( x) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean.
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
(X) Made prank phone calls
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
(X) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
( x) Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
(X) Traveled by train
(x ) Traveled by motorcycle
(X) Been horse back riding
(X ) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
( x) Been to Disneyland
( x) Been to Disney World
() Truly believe in the power of prayer
( ) Been in a rain forest
( x) Seen whales in the ocean
(X) Been to Niagara Falls
( ) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
(X) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
(X) Been to a Major League Baseball game
( ) Been to a National Football League game
(x) Created Life
(x) Been in love

wow they start them young

Today I was at the mall with Ireland and a friend of mine and we were seated at the food court eating next to a mother and her 3 children (only know cause she was conversing with my friend) and this little girl who later told Ireland she was 6 was telling Ireland all of the wonderful things she had gotten for Christmas. After a minute she stopped and said

"wait I almost forgot my most favorite gift ever, I can't believe I forgot to tell you"!
Ireland was like "what, what"????

The kid "a kit that you do on your computer that lets you plan your very own wedding for when you grow up and get married. You can pick everything like the dresses and the flowers and the cake and what the boy will look like and everything".

Ireland " you can pick everything"

little girl everything!

Ireland looks at her and says so you can decide if you want to marry a boy or a girl?

The little girl no that's stupid I can't marry a girl I am a girl , I can only marry a boy

(The little girls mom kind of laughed a little but started to look a little nervous probably thinking me and my friend were a same sex couple or something)

Ireland looks right at the little girl and says
" that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you can marry who ever you want when I grow up I'm gonna marry a boy and a girl and I'm gonna buy 2 houses one for me and the kids and one for the boy and girl that I marry so they don't get lonely. When I want to see them or the kids want to see them they can come over but when they get cranky I can kick them out and be by myself".

The little girl was like that's so dumb you can't marry 2 people and you have to live with them and it can only be a boy.

Ireland oh yeah well your only 6 and I'm 8 and I know more and trust me that game is lying to you because you can marry whoever you want and you do not have to stay married to them or live with them and I know that because my mom and dad do not live together but they still are pretty much married and my aunt has a girlfriend she is going to marry and my cousin has a boyfriend he is going to marry and my mom said I can marry whoever I want and she wont care because she loves me and wants me to be happy and if your mom wants you to only marry a boy but you want to marry a girl then she does not want you to be happy

This conversation embarrased me at first especially because the girls mother was shooting me the shut your kid up look but at the end of the day I love that Ireland has not been brainwashed like most children her age into thinking they have to get married and if they're a girl they need a man and that they should compromise their happiness to marry someone they don't want to be with to make others happy. Although I have many moment in which it greatly makes me nervous knowing how opinionated Ireland is and how willing she is to share it at the end of the say I'm glad she has her own opinions and not the ones that a lot of parents force on their kids.

Irelands conversation with grandpa

Grandpa "Ireland honey what do you want for x mas?"
Ireland "Hmmm, I don't know Grandpa, maybe a movie. I know they're expensive though so let me think of something cheaper''.
Grandpa "Honey Grandpa can afford it, he has a lot of money".
Ireland ''okay then, can I have a new vcr instead?''

This convo made me feel good for a couple reasons. First of all because as spoiled as Ireland is and I mean this kid seriously has everything (her old vcr broke so thats why she needs a new one), she still doesn't expect the world. This is point one for me and a loss of one for Greg because he insists constantly that the amount of stuff this kid gets will turn her into a horrible spoiled brat. Second of all it makes me feel good that Ireland is becoming the type of person who can obviously realize that not everyone can afford expensive things and it may not be realistic to ask everyone for a vcr so she tweaked what she wanted so that she didn't upset my dad and asked for something she thought he could afford. What I don't get is why my father is asked for a dvd when he is a lot more financially comfortable then Greg and I and we were asked fr a $200 guitar and lessons....oh well lol.